Tag Archives: Humor

He Said What?!?

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He Said What?!?

We were out mountain biking with some friends and J decided he needed to say something to my girlfriend, E.

J:  Can I give you a compliment?  
E:  Sure.
J:  You might want to know that you’re a chatterbox and talk alot.  
E:  Um.  Thanks.  Not sure that was a compliment.

On the way home, I wanted to clarify exactly what J had meant.

Me:  J, what do you think compliment means?
J:  It means you tell somebody something about themselves that they might not know and they need to know.  
Me:  Ah.  A compliment is actually saying something kind about someone.  
J:  Oops.
Me:  What were you trying to tell E? 
J:  That she talks too much.  I thought she might want to know.  I’m just not used to girls and how much they talk and I thought she should know.  I wasn’t trying to be mean but I wasn’t trying to compliment her either.  I guess I was informing.
Me:  Next time, shoot for the compliment.  

Lucky for me, E is super cool and I love that she’s a “chatterbox”.  


S:  Mom, I kind of like the word dick.  
Me:  Oh yeah, why is that?
S:  It just sounds cool.
Me:  I kind of like that word too.  
S:  If we like it, why can’t we just use it?  It sounds better than penis.  
Me:  People consider it to be vulgar.  It’s simply kinder in our society to limit our use of that word.  
S:  I guess that makes sense.  I just wish penis was vulgar and dick was kind.  


We were taking a family walk to the grocery store and I was really irritated and grouchy and kind of walking fast and angrily in front of the family.  And then G runs up to me and takes my hand…

G:  Mom, are you sad because you’re the only vagina? 

I cracked a smile at that unexpected question.

G:  I mean, if you look at our family there are 5 penises.  Well 6 if you count Decker’s (our dog).  6 penises and 1 vagina.  I’d be sad if I was the only vagina.  Actually you’re the only boobs too.  Wow, that’s sad.  
Me:  I don’t think I’m sad because I’m the only vagina and boobs.  But maybe I am because I was being grouchy at all the chaos and noise you boys (daddy included) make.  Thanks for noticing my sadness, G.  I love you.

Less than 12 hours later, I started my period.  That sent me in to a fit of laughter.  The accuracy of being the sad vagina in the family.


P:  Mom, no offense but your tummy is kind of fat.  
Me:  Oh, P, that hurt my feelings a little bit.  

P reaches over and gives me a big hug and his I’m sorry eyes.

P:  Well, maybe not fat.  It just looks like you’re growing another baby.


This is the boys’ favorite joke right now.  Enjoy.

After I say my line you say Ketchup and Rubber Buns.

Me:  What did you eat for breakfast?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.
Me:  What did you eat for lunch?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.
Me:  What did you eat for dinner?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.
Me:  What do you do when an old lady passes you on the street?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.  

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20 Indications You’ve Left Portland for Tucson

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* I spent a few weeks in my hometown of Tucson this summer and it was the first time I felt real culture shock traveling back. I compiled a list of things I noticed while in Tucson that made me homesick for Portland. Don’t get me wrong, Tucson has its own value…saguaros, monsoons, mountains, family, a sky full of stars, wildlife, etc.  And, obviously, this does not mean ALL Tucsonans (or Portlanders) fit in to these categories.  

1)  When you cross the street in a designated crosswalk that does not guarantee that anybody will stop for you. In fact                  you’ll stand in the middle of that busy street patiently waiting for a single driver to even acknowledge your existence                with a slight press of the brake pedal. They never will. You’ll just have to wait for an opening and run.

2)  It’s trash day and Tucsonans have trash cans at least double the size of Portlanders and their trash gets picked up       weekly. Add to that, many people have two trash cans, quadrupling the size of trash that gets removed from your house every other week. You’ll wonder what in the world are they filling those gigantic cans with.

Portland trash is the middle canister (picked up every other week)

Portland trash is the middle canister (picked up every other week)

3)  If your 8 year old boy decides to wear his hot pink shirt to Target you will have two separate Target employees comment on the color of his shirt and the correlation to his purchase (a hello kitty watch and cd player for a bday party). You’ll have to refrain from giving both employees a loud piece of your mind and assure your son that pink is a perfectly awesome color for boys.

4)  There is no friendly conversation between you and any service person (minus one engaging waitress I had). You forget quickly how friendly Portland is compared to other cities. The moment I got back in to town I shopped at New Seasons and came home glowing, “Oh, so many people to talk to in New Seasons. Everyone is so nice!” And they were playing Nahko and Medicine for the People. Grocery shopping doesn’t get any more engaging than it does in Portland.cc-solutions-

5)  You have to pump your own gas in Tucson and you will quickly realize how awesome it is to have pump attendants especially when it’s 100+ degrees out and you have kids in the car.

6)  Everyone comments on your purple hair. In Portland, I’m kind of a plain Jane with my purple hair and tattoos. In Tucson I’m a slight shade of different.IMG_2318

7)  Compost? What’s That? When we lived in Tucson I started a worm compost bin in our kitchen (It Rocked!) and most people thought it was weird if not downright gross. Composting is not something most people in Tucson think about.

8)  Your server looks at you like you’ve lost your mind when you ask if the restaurant is locally owned and god forbid you ask where they get their meat.portlandiapicseasonone9)  Gone are the funky, useful commuter bikes. Instead are designer, carbon racing bikes. A few grand on two wheels.  I’m dying for a commuter with a basket and mud guards…my carbon with clips doesn’t have quite the flare or usefulness here in Portland.

10)  Walk there? Public Transportation? Are you insane? Plan on driving EVERYWHERE.ridersboardingmax11)  You begin to miss your group meditation practice so you attend a weekly meditation/yoga class and each week the class only has you and one other person. I guess meditation practices in Tucson are still a private affair.  

12)  Brunch is an after church Sunday event only.

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13)  Plastic bags are doubled up and handed out in abundance.

14)  There is an obvious distinction between rich/poor. There are wealthy areas and there are poor areas. And the division between the two is very obvious.images15)  Need wheat berries for a recipe? Good luck with that. A wheat berry is not only unheard of but it’s really challenging to find. In fact, I never found a single one!

16)  Mini coopers are swallowed up by Ford F-ton 50s. I don’t even know the name of these super beasts but they far outnumber any electric or mini vehicles. The name of the game is, the bigger the better. In addition to in-your-face monster trucks, truck after truck is adorned with NRA bumper stickers. Just in case you weren’t aware, the environmental super polluters will also shoot you because they have the right to do so.BumperStickers

17)  After being in Portland for a time, you forget how many people drive fast and loud and that the government monitors most of it with red light cameras and speed cameras. People honk their horns for the slightest infraction, give you the finger for getting in their way, and cut you off just to be an asshole. I’ll take my 30mph streets in Portland any day.

18)  You may not know what you need to purchase or who you need to vote for but somebody certainly does. You can get your answer every so many feet with election propaganda and consumer billboards.

speedway blvd 1970

speedway blvd 1970

19)  Front yard chickens, gardens, and greenery are traded in for desert brown and poisonous animals. Not to mention that Tucsonans will water a grass lawn in spite of not having a drinking water supply of their own.

20)  Need a pharmacy? Just drive to the next corner and the next and the next and the next….download (1)

He Said What?!?

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Watching Frozen in the movie theater and the scene when Anna completely freezes…

G:  Wow!  What a beautiful ice sculpture!

*Seeing as he completely missed the point, all the laughing people around us turned to see the little boy who was in full admiration of a frozen Anna sculpture.  So cute.

 

G:  Mom, I have a secret that I want to share with you.

Me:  I can’t wait to hear it.  

G:  I like a girl at school.  Like I have a crush on her.  

Me:  Oh, yeah.  Do you want to share who has your interest?  

G:  Her name is X.  Man, I really like her.  

Me:  What is it that makes her special and makes you like her more than other girls?

G:  You know, it’s because we like all the same things.  She likes to sing.  I like to sing.  She likes to draw.  I like to draw.  

Me:  That makes sense.  I’m glad you have a friend and that she happens to be a girl.

G:  Let’s just keep it a secret though.  Okay?  

Me:  Can I just tell Dad?  

G:  As long as he promises never to talk to me about it.

Me:  Okay.  I’ll only tell him if he promises.  Thanks for sharing with me, G.

G:  Can I give you a hug, Mom?

Me:  That sounds perfect.

 

I like to tease my sister about her lack of geographical knowledge.  We were once in NYC taking a bus tour and she turned to ask me when we were going to see the Eiffel Tower!  Here’s her latest one that cracked me up…

S:  Her teeth looked like…ummmm….what do they call those things?  The Stones of Hedgehog?

Me:  You mean Stonehenge?

S:  Yes.  Stonehenge.  

*Facepalm

 

*J just turned 11 and came home from school vomiting on his birthday.

Me:  I’m so sorry you feel so bad.  This must be a pretty bad birthday.

J:  It’s not the worst.  I have shelter and two loving parents.

Me:  Wow!  I love your perspective on life, J.  You’re beautiful.

 

Another frank conversation with G….

G:  Mom, do girls poop?

Me:  For sure.  Girls totally poop.

G:  Are you sure?

Me:  Absolutely sure.

G:  You’re a girl and I’ve never seen you poop so I’m not so sure girls poop.

Me:  Would you like proof?

G:  Yes.  Could you just show me next time you poop.

Me:  You’ll be the first person I tell next time I poop.  I’ll give you proof that girls do indeed poop.

G:  Deal.  Let’s shake.

 

 

 

He Said What?!?

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The boys love to wrestle with our 12-year-old male dog.  Lately Decker (the dog) has been wrestling G (age 7) to the ground and then proceeds to hump him.  G laughs and laughs because he thinks it’s so funny that Decker loves to wrestle with him.  He has no idea that he’s being dominated and played by the dog.  Recently we were watching a National Geographic special about the reproductive life of cats and dogs.  In the film, they show a male dog mounting a female dog and explain the nature of what was happening.  All the boys are laughing hysterically and then…

G:  Oh. My. God.  Ummmmm that’s what Decker does to me!    Oh. My. God.  Decker has been trying to have sex with me.  Oh.  My.  God.

Me:   Ding ding ding!!!!  

G:  Oh.  My.  God.                                    

Tonight, Decker grabbed ahold of G, pulled him to the ground and proceeded to hump him.  To which G responds with,

Decker, stop trying to put your seeds in me!  I am not a girl dog!

 

S (age 7) and I were walking to the car after school and I asked him about his day.  Here’s the conversation:

Me:  How was your day?  Anything exciting?

S:  No, just something sad.  

Me:  What happened that made you feel sad? 

S:  M has cancer.  

Me:  What?!?  Oh my goodness, that’s heartbreaking.  I’m going to have to call his mom and see how they are doing.  Such sad news.  I didn’t even know he had been feeling sick.    

S:  No, actually he’s doing okay, mom.  He came to school today with his head shaved.  He’s okay, though, because there was only one.  

Me.  So they only have one left to fight?

S:  No, shaving his head made it better.  But there’s more sad news.  A has cancer too.  He had his head shaved last night because he had more than one.

Me:  Wait, what?  Are you just joking with me?  It’s nearly impossible that A and M would both have cancer.  So they both shaved their heads?  

S:  Yes, because they were sick with cancer.  

(Lightbulb about recent email from teacher)

Me:  S, do A and M have lice?

S:  Yes!  Yes!  Lice, not cancer.  I got those confused because they both shave their heads to get better.  

Me:  Those are very different things, lice and cancer.  One is life threatening and one is just annoying.  So glad your friends just have lice.  You didn’t share anything with them today did you?  Lice is very contagious.  

S:  Hope I don’t have to shave my head!

Me:  Me too, S.  Me too.  But I’ll say that I’m super happy to shave your head if it means you only have lice and the rest of you is healthy.  

 

A few jokes that the boys have been making up around the dinner table:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he was eggcited to get to the other side

Why did the spider cross the road? 

To get closer to his website.  

Why did the tornado cry?

Because he got a tornado owie.

Ba dum dum ching

 

 

 

 

Higher Intelligence?

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I often question if we, as humans, are really as evolved or created in god’s image (whichever you fancy) as we think we are.  Are we really of higher intelligence?  Here are just a few moments when I question the overall intelligence of my species.

Watering Holes

I don’t see much of a difference between animals cooling off and trying to attract potential mates at the watering hole vs. humans crowding in a pool to cool off and showing off their best bodies to attract the opposite sex.  Are we really that different? amandagriffin_etosha_np_02

Photo: The most crowded swimming pool in the w...

(Photo credit: weirdchina)

“Owning” Pets

The evolved species thought crossed my mind the other day as I was walking my dog and I stopped while he did his business.  I was standing there patiently waiting for him to take a dump so I could pick up his shit.  Hmmmm….and I think I am the one who is evolved?  He’s the one who has me picking up shit.  Nobody picks up my shit.  I pay his housing bills, food bills, medical bills, I’m his personal trainer, his masseuse, housekeeper, shit cleaner, his stylist and he doesn’t pay me to do this!  No, I voluntarily paid to do all these things.  Yeah, I’m not feeling so intelligent right about now.  BTW, I do indeed love my dog just in case that needed to be clarified.

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The one who owns me

Pick Your Poison

We are so evolved that we knowingly and willingly kill ourselves.  Nuclear bombs? Sure, why not.  Cigarettes?  Hell yeah!  Fast food?  Yum!  Heroin?  Sounds awesome!  You want to spray our foods with pesticides, inject our meat with hormones, and use mass amounts of GMOs?  What a great plan!  You say there’s a giant fault line right here?  I say build a city on it!  Trees clean our air?  Cut them down!  Condoms prevent STDs?  Nah, too complicated!  Carbon and methane emissions harm me, my kids, and our planet?  Make my car bigger and put more beef on my plate!

We have knowledge and yet we choose to partake in what kills us anyhow.  This makes me think we are the biggest idiots on the planet!  I see it this way…when an animal sees a red toad, it turns the other way.  Instinct tells it, “yikes, that’ll kill me…I’ll find something else to eat.”  Humans see a “red toad” and we’re like, “we should lick that thing and see what it does.”

Foto de una carretera en la cual se destacan a...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Heroin syringe

(Photo credit: Thomas Marthinsen)

Intent_to_Lick_Toad.Par.89380.ImageFileThese are just a few examples of ways I think we are less progressive than we believe.  We have an overpopulated planet with millions suffering from inadequate food and water sources, yet we still want to tackle the abortion/morning after/birth control issues.

World population in 2012 was 2 times greater than it was in 1965, 4 times greater than 1910, and 10 times greater than 1730.

Americans alone waste nearly enough food each and every day to fill the Rose Bowl.  We’re rapidly killing off our food and water supplies (watering lawns in the desert!).  Countries like Haiti are so heavily deforested that they can no longer use lumber to provide energy for themselves or protect their country from landslides, erosion and pollution.  It goes on and on and on….

I think we just might be on the fast path to eliminating our species and taking the entire goddamn planet with us.  That’s a bummer.