Tag Archives: freethinking family

ISO Our Tribe

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Step 2, maybe should’ve been step 3, but this is the order in which it happened for us.

tribejourneyWe had our values list and now it seemed only rational that we seek out how to be more in alignment with our values.  We started researching like crazy.  And when I say ‘like crazy’, I mean it became a small obsession.  Every waking, free moment was spent researching.  We watched documentaries.  We read articles.  We purchased off-grid magazines.  We stocked up on library books.  We began to learn the language of alternative communities and to understand the differences/similarities between ecovillage, co-housing, off-grid, co-parenting, intentional community, permaculture farm, communal living, co-living, communes, Tribe, nomads, raw foodies, gypsies, etc etc.  We began challenging our own limited viewpoints and stereotypes.  We began visiting and engaging intentional communities across the country.  We interviewed people we know who have lived in intentional communities.  We emailed. We called.  We read.  We visited.  We observed.  We educated.  We questioned.  We processed late in to the nights.  We wrestled with what it was we truly wanted.

We were longing for change and a community with shared values.  We were longing for intimate, authentic relationships.  We were desperate for a community that would further our growth.  We were looking for a shared workload.  We were looking for communities that valued independent thinking, shared resources, environmental awareness, maximizing individual skill-sets, and a sense of responsibility for our shared environment…both communal environment and global environment.  We were looking for communities with sustainable practices.  We were looking for communities with gender, age, cultural, and religious diversity.  We were looking for communities who chose equality and harmony amongst its members rather than hierarchy, patriarchy, or guru heads.  But above all else, we were seeking a community that really understood the value of family and children…meaning they had families and children actively participating within the community environment.

This search led to many heated debates between Adam and myself.  Fear-based debates I might add.

“How can you be okay with living in one house with so many people?!?”.
“How can you be okay with the fact that three women are openly sleeping with the top dog of that community?”
“Can you not see how much ego is wrapped up in this community?”
“Why can’t you be more open-minded?”
“Is this really about the kids’ needs or is this about you?”
“Are we subjecting our children to a life without a future?”
“Why can’t we just be happy where we’re at?”
“Isn’t what we have good enough?”
“Are you really okay with subjecting us to a life of poverty?”
“What if that’s a cult and we missed the signs?”
“What the hell are we doing?”

We entertained and/or visited communities from North Carolina to New Mexico to Arizona to Missouri to California to Oregon to Texas to New York to Ecuador to Belize to Costa Rica.  We wrestled with the idea of co-housing.  We wrestled with the idea of living on $1/day and being completely removed from the matrix.  We wrestled with the idea of selling everything and becoming an RV family.  We wrestled with the idea of living completely off-grid.  We wrestled with the idea of buying our own land and beginning a community of like-minded individuals.
AND
We met fascinating individuals.  We met people doing huge things in their communities on very little money.  We witnessed communities who were artistic and creative and caring.  We witnessed people who were tent-living or living in buses and completely content. We followed and engaged families who were unschooling and traveling the states in their RVs.  We questioned how a heavily advertised “green community” could be green without the simplest of  green tools such as composting and recycling?  We witnessed communities who had definite hierarchies, who were openly polyamorous, who were hallucinogenic based, who had gurus they revered, who had lost their voice, who were completely falling apart, who were overrun with battles of the EGO, who were nothing more than a rich subdivision with a community kitchen who met for meals some nights of the week, who valued profit over people, who sold a lie

We Need Oneover the internet, who touted families but only had two children, who touted sustainability but were clearly starving, who had more drama than a tween television series, who made brags about their community harvest which was nothing more than 3 bananas per family.  We met with communities that had great ideals but had never gotten off the ground.  We met desperate communities and thriving communities.  We found so many communities to be so outrageously priced and others to be inexpensive but somewhat destitute.  We met communities with loads of lovely individuals who just quite hadn’t mastered how to develop a clear, shared vision causing for a bit of divisiveness.  We met communities just attempting to launch and others that had been trying to launch for years.  We invested money in a community that online looked wonderful but in person was clearly a full-blown cult.  We found that so many communities were either full of 20-somethings still trying on the latest fad or full of retirees settling for the cheapest way to retire.  Families were nowhere to be found.  We honored the choices of all of these communities as each person has a different path to take in this life,  but for our path we felt the communities were too rich, too poor, too young, too old, too fanatical, too lackadaisical, but nothing just right (for us).

 

And, thus, by the end of December 2017 we were absolutely spent and questioning whether what we desired was ever to be had.  Or maybe we just weren’t ready.  It was time to regroup and figure out exactly what it was that we wanted and how we were going to find it.

Stay Tuned for what comes next…

 

 

 

 

 

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A Secular Easter

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Three years ago Easter Sunday we attended our church just as we did every Sunday.  Only this Easter was different.  This year we were sitting in the pews not as fully committed members but rather as silent doubters of the beliefs we had naively clung to for 33 years.  But we had begun the slippery slope of questioning.  A slope so slippery that after the big Easter extravaganza held by our church and the traditional post church potluck with our Christ devoted family members, my husband boldly announced that he could no longer believe Jesus was raised from the dead.  There just wasn’t sufficient evidence to claim the resurrection as truth.  We’ve not set foot in a church since the moment those words came to life.

Smiths 2009 261Fast forward three years and here we are approaching our second Easter as a fully secular family.  Holidays as a newly secular family are still difficult.  Easter brings with it the expectation of church attendance.  It’s the one Sunday that churches have an amped up anticipation of new followers of Christ.  They solidly prepare for this day because they know that Easter Sunday brings in mass numbers of saved and unsaved.  Even the least religious of Christians will find themselves inside church walls sat beside the hundreds of other Easter Sunday pew occupiers.  Easter service becomes a service of massive proportions.  Pancake breakfasts, onstage productions with live music, actors, and tugs at the heart, life changing messages from the pulpit, communion, and alter calls.  It’s an all day event with our families.  An all day reminder of how much Christ sacrificed  for us.

Well, what to do when one has made the decision to leave that life behind, when there is no pancake breakfast or three hours of church?  What to do when that community of people is no longer your community of people?  Last year I think we just avoided the holiday all together.  We probably hid a few plastic eggs and called it good.  This year though, our boys are old enough to know that Sunday is Easter and with that knowledge comes the expectation that it’s a holiday to be celebrated.  We are ready to begin anew and start our own Easter tradition.  One that lasts all day and is a celebration of our new life.  Our resurrection.  Easter will be a day when the six of us wake up and appreciate that we don’t need to buy a new Easter dress or dress up, we don’t need to fight the church crowds or busy restaurants, we don’t even need to go around pretending the Easter bunny is real and delivers eggs filled with candies.  Instead we’ll make our own pancake breakfast, we’ll sit in the knowledge that we love each other as we are and there is no expectation of conversion or change, we’ll celebrate the really great freedom that leaving religion has granted us, we’ll celebrate that spring has arrived and maybe we’ll even have a super adventurous day of geocaching (a 21st century treasure hunt).IMG_0546

It was on Easter that our children became free to think for themselves.  Free to ask.  Free to seek.  Free to explore and find answers that fit.  Free to be who they choose to be instead of sitting in the belief that they are people in need of grace and salvation.  Free of a mandate.  Easter for us means freedom and that is definitely worth celebrating.

Happy Easter no matter how you choose to celebrate it.  Wishing you all a beautiful day full of love and family.