Tag Archives: family humor

He Said What?!?

He Said What?!?

We were out mountain biking with some friends and J decided he needed to say something to my girlfriend, E.

J:  Can I give you a compliment?  
E:  Sure.
J:  You might want to know that you’re a chatterbox and talk alot.  
E:  Um.  Thanks.  Not sure that was a compliment.

On the way home, I wanted to clarify exactly what J had meant.

Me:  J, what do you think compliment means?
J:  It means you tell somebody something about themselves that they might not know and they need to know.  
Me:  Ah.  A compliment is actually saying something kind about someone.  
J:  Oops.
Me:  What were you trying to tell E? 
J:  That she talks too much.  I thought she might want to know.  I’m just not used to girls and how much they talk and I thought she should know.  I wasn’t trying to be mean but I wasn’t trying to compliment her either.  I guess I was informing.
Me:  Next time, shoot for the compliment.  

Lucky for me, E is super cool and I love that she’s a “chatterbox”.  

S:  Mom, I kind of like the word dick.  
Me:  Oh yeah, why is that?
S:  It just sounds cool.
Me:  I kind of like that word too.  
S:  If we like it, why can’t we just use it?  It sounds better than penis.  
Me:  People consider it to be vulgar.  It’s simply kinder in our society to limit our use of that word.  
S:  I guess that makes sense.  I just wish penis was vulgar and dick was kind.  

We were taking a family walk to the grocery store and I was really irritated and grouchy and kind of walking fast and angrily in front of the family.  And then G runs up to me and takes my hand…

G:  Mom, are you sad because you’re the only vagina? 

I cracked a smile at that unexpected question.

G:  I mean, if you look at our family there are 5 penises.  Well 6 if you count Decker’s (our dog).  6 penises and 1 vagina.  I’d be sad if I was the only vagina.  Actually you’re the only boobs too.  Wow, that’s sad.  
Me:  I don’t think I’m sad because I’m the only vagina and boobs.  But maybe I am because I was being grouchy at all the chaos and noise you boys (daddy included) make.  Thanks for noticing my sadness, G.  I love you.

Less than 12 hours later, I started my period.  That sent me in to a fit of laughter.  The accuracy of being the sad vagina in the family.

P:  Mom, no offense but your tummy is kind of fat.  
Me:  Oh, P, that hurt my feelings a little bit.  

P reaches over and gives me a big hug and his I’m sorry eyes.

P:  Well, maybe not fat.  It just looks like you’re growing another baby.

This is the boys’ favorite joke right now.  Enjoy.

After I say my line you say Ketchup and Rubber Buns.

Me:  What did you eat for breakfast?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.
Me:  What did you eat for lunch?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.
Me:  What did you eat for dinner?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.
Me:  What do you do when an old lady passes you on the street?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.  


He Said What?!?


The boys and I are visiting Tucson.  It’s the first time they’ve been back here since we moved almost 2 years ago.  Needless to say, there have been lots of conversations and these are some of the more humorous ones.

As the plane was landing in Tucson, I could hear people laughing in the row in front of two of my boys so I tuned in to what my boys were saying to cause this laughter.

S (age 8):  Ewwwww….Tucson is so ugly.  It’s just brown.  
G (age 7):  It is ugly.  Yuck.  I don’t remember it being so ugly.
S:  Yeah, why does any one want to live in a land full of this much dirt.  Tucson is a dirt city.
G:  And, it looks like it is hot.  Brown hotness.  Yuck


On the car ride from the airport to Grandma’s house:

J (age 11):  Can you take us to see our first home?
P (age 8):  I’m pretty sure I’m looking at my first home.  I’m pretty sure my first home was Mama.  


Heard in the back row as I was driving:

G’ma:  When I’m old I might do that.
S: But you’re already old!


The boys and I were watching Ace Ventura when a sex scene came on the screen:

Boys:  What are they doing?
Me:  They’re having sex.
Boys:  Really?!!!?  
Tons of giggles and yucks
G (age 7): G stands up frustrated, pulls down his pants and points to his erect penis:
This is what  happens to me every time someone talks about sex or I see it!  
Me:  That’s normal, G, and it’ll probably happen for the rest of your life.  
G:  Grunts and goes back to watching the movie.  

My youngest has an issue with dogs wanting to dominate him.  He makes friends with dogs and then suddenly they are humping him.  Some are even aggressive and pull him down to the ground from a standing position.  I swear he must have some canine pheromones running through his system or something.  As usual, G made friends with my brother’s dog and a few days later she was constantly harassing him by humping him.

G:  Mocha, you want to have sex with me so bad.  (With sad resignation in his voice) Fine, I’ll just have sex with you.  


He Said What?!?


Watching Frozen in the movie theater and the scene when Anna completely freezes…

G:  Wow!  What a beautiful ice sculpture!

*Seeing as he completely missed the point, all the laughing people around us turned to see the little boy who was in full admiration of a frozen Anna sculpture.  So cute.


G:  Mom, I have a secret that I want to share with you.

Me:  I can’t wait to hear it.  

G:  I like a girl at school.  Like I have a crush on her.  

Me:  Oh, yeah.  Do you want to share who has your interest?  

G:  Her name is X.  Man, I really like her.  

Me:  What is it that makes her special and makes you like her more than other girls?

G:  You know, it’s because we like all the same things.  She likes to sing.  I like to sing.  She likes to draw.  I like to draw.  

Me:  That makes sense.  I’m glad you have a friend and that she happens to be a girl.

G:  Let’s just keep it a secret though.  Okay?  

Me:  Can I just tell Dad?  

G:  As long as he promises never to talk to me about it.

Me:  Okay.  I’ll only tell him if he promises.  Thanks for sharing with me, G.

G:  Can I give you a hug, Mom?

Me:  That sounds perfect.


I like to tease my sister about her lack of geographical knowledge.  We were once in NYC taking a bus tour and she turned to ask me when we were going to see the Eiffel Tower!  Here’s her latest one that cracked me up…

S:  Her teeth looked like…ummmm….what do they call those things?  The Stones of Hedgehog?

Me:  You mean Stonehenge?

S:  Yes.  Stonehenge.  



*J just turned 11 and came home from school vomiting on his birthday.

Me:  I’m so sorry you feel so bad.  This must be a pretty bad birthday.

J:  It’s not the worst.  I have shelter and two loving parents.

Me:  Wow!  I love your perspective on life, J.  You’re beautiful.


Another frank conversation with G….

G:  Mom, do girls poop?

Me:  For sure.  Girls totally poop.

G:  Are you sure?

Me:  Absolutely sure.

G:  You’re a girl and I’ve never seen you poop so I’m not so sure girls poop.

Me:  Would you like proof?

G:  Yes.  Could you just show me next time you poop.

Me:  You’ll be the first person I tell next time I poop.  I’ll give you proof that girls do indeed poop.

G:  Deal.  Let’s shake.




He Said What?!?


The boys love to wrestle with our 12-year-old male dog.  Lately Decker (the dog) has been wrestling G (age 7) to the ground and then proceeds to hump him.  G laughs and laughs because he thinks it’s so funny that Decker loves to wrestle with him.  He has no idea that he’s being dominated and played by the dog.  Recently we were watching a National Geographic special about the reproductive life of cats and dogs.  In the film, they show a male dog mounting a female dog and explain the nature of what was happening.  All the boys are laughing hysterically and then…

G:  Oh. My. God.  Ummmmm that’s what Decker does to me!    Oh. My. God.  Decker has been trying to have sex with me.  Oh.  My.  God.

Me:   Ding ding ding!!!!  

G:  Oh.  My.  God.                                    

Tonight, Decker grabbed ahold of G, pulled him to the ground and proceeded to hump him.  To which G responds with,

Decker, stop trying to put your seeds in me!  I am not a girl dog!


S (age 7) and I were walking to the car after school and I asked him about his day.  Here’s the conversation:

Me:  How was your day?  Anything exciting?

S:  No, just something sad.  

Me:  What happened that made you feel sad? 

S:  M has cancer.  

Me:  What?!?  Oh my goodness, that’s heartbreaking.  I’m going to have to call his mom and see how they are doing.  Such sad news.  I didn’t even know he had been feeling sick.    

S:  No, actually he’s doing okay, mom.  He came to school today with his head shaved.  He’s okay, though, because there was only one.  

Me.  So they only have one left to fight?

S:  No, shaving his head made it better.  But there’s more sad news.  A has cancer too.  He had his head shaved last night because he had more than one.

Me:  Wait, what?  Are you just joking with me?  It’s nearly impossible that A and M would both have cancer.  So they both shaved their heads?  

S:  Yes, because they were sick with cancer.  

(Lightbulb about recent email from teacher)

Me:  S, do A and M have lice?

S:  Yes!  Yes!  Lice, not cancer.  I got those confused because they both shave their heads to get better.  

Me:  Those are very different things, lice and cancer.  One is life threatening and one is just annoying.  So glad your friends just have lice.  You didn’t share anything with them today did you?  Lice is very contagious.  

S:  Hope I don’t have to shave my head!

Me:  Me too, S.  Me too.  But I’ll say that I’m super happy to shave your head if it means you only have lice and the rest of you is healthy.  


A few jokes that the boys have been making up around the dinner table:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he was eggcited to get to the other side

Why did the spider cross the road? 

To get closer to his website.  

Why did the tornado cry?

Because he got a tornado owie.

Ba dum dum ching





He Said What?!?


There’s no better stories than the ones straight out of a child’s mouth.  J (age 10), P (age 7), S (age 7), and G (age 7)


S:  Mom, today some kids were teasing a kid in class during circle time.

Me:  What were they teasing the kid for?  

S:  He didn’t know who Jesus was so they whispered…”X doesn’t know who Jesus is.  Pass it on.”  

Me:  Do you know who Jesus is?

S:  Ummmm, yeah!  Isn’t he god’s son?  The son who died in a war.  

Me:  He is claimed to be god’s son but he died on a cross.  

S:  Really?  What’s a cross?  

J:  It’s that thing right there that looks like a ‘t’ on top of that church.  They nailed him to it.

S:  What the heck?!?  That’s gross.  

J:  I know.  But people believe he didn’t feel the pain and he hung there for a long time and then he went to heaven to live forever.  

S:  Ummm…that makes no sense.  So Jesus was a zombie?  

J:  Yeah, I guess so.  Jesus is a a zombie.  


While talking to J about a few things I needed him to finish before he could play minecraft he looked at me and just gave me the evil eye.  Eyes half closed with daggers shooting out of them.

Me:  J, I don’t need you to glare at me when I’m speaking to you.

J:  I’m not glaring at you.  I have Asian eyes and Asians have glaring eyes.  I know that’s hard for you to understand since you’re not Asian but I’m not glaring…just Asian.  

Me:  (Stifling laughter)  Wow!  I am thoroughly impressed with the way you tried to wiggle out of that one but there is no question that you are glaring at me even if you are glaring at me with Asian eyes!


Speaking to his eye therapist (we’ll call her C)

J:  Wow!  Your nails are long!

C:  It’s very rare for me to have long nails.  They only grow once in a blue moon.

J:  What’s a blue moon?  

C:  I believe it’s when there are two full moons in a single month but you should go home and google it.  

J:  Oh, never mind!  I know what blue moon is…it’s one of my dad’s favorite beers.  


While playing family cranium:

Cranium Question:  Who is best known for saying, “It’s not easy being green.”?   A.  Frankenstein  B.  Kermit the Frog  C.  Shrek

P:  Oh, I totally know this!  I’ve been learning about this in school.

S:  Okay, P, you say who you think it is because I have no idea.   

P:  It’s definitely A.  Definitely Albert Einstein.  

Me:  Do you mean, Frankenstein?  

P:  Nope.  Definitely Einstein.  He’s famous.

Me:  So sorry.  Wrong answer.  The answer is B.  Kermit the Frog.  Albert Einstein is a famous inventor.  We’ll talk about Frankenstein and his monster in the future.  


Car ride conversations are the best!

J:  Mom, have you ever thought about the name Helen?  

Me:  Thought about the name Helen in what sense?  

J:  You know…that Helen is a name that is a mix of heaven and hell.  

Me:  Totally have never thought about that.

J:  I have.  I’ve thought that when a Helen dies, god probably gets all confused and is like ‘ I don’t know if I should send this person to heaven or hell.  Now what do I do?’

Me:  So god decides if we go to heaven or hell depending on our name?  Shoot.  

J:  No.  I don’t think there is heaven or hell but thought it would be funny.

Me:  Totally funny.  

J:  Or, a person could die and god could not know whether that person earned heaven or hell so He just says, ‘ummm…don’t know what to do with you.  You’re going to Helen.’  

Tons of laughter in the car…

P:  Mom, J just said hell.  He said a grown-up word!  

S:  I want to go to Helen.  Some good.  Some bad.  

Laughter again

Me:  Hey, how about this one…  What the Helen?!?

Finished our ride in a Helenuva lot of laughter 🙂