Category Archives: humor

He Said What?!?

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He Said What?!?

We were out mountain biking with some friends and J decided he needed to say something to my girlfriend, E.

J:  Can I give you a compliment?  
E:  Sure.
J:  You might want to know that you’re a chatterbox and talk alot.  
E:  Um.  Thanks.  Not sure that was a compliment.

On the way home, I wanted to clarify exactly what J had meant.

Me:  J, what do you think compliment means?
J:  It means you tell somebody something about themselves that they might not know and they need to know.  
Me:  Ah.  A compliment is actually saying something kind about someone.  
J:  Oops.
Me:  What were you trying to tell E? 
J:  That she talks too much.  I thought she might want to know.  I’m just not used to girls and how much they talk and I thought she should know.  I wasn’t trying to be mean but I wasn’t trying to compliment her either.  I guess I was informing.
Me:  Next time, shoot for the compliment.  

Lucky for me, E is super cool and I love that she’s a “chatterbox”.  


S:  Mom, I kind of like the word dick.  
Me:  Oh yeah, why is that?
S:  It just sounds cool.
Me:  I kind of like that word too.  
S:  If we like it, why can’t we just use it?  It sounds better than penis.  
Me:  People consider it to be vulgar.  It’s simply kinder in our society to limit our use of that word.  
S:  I guess that makes sense.  I just wish penis was vulgar and dick was kind.  


We were taking a family walk to the grocery store and I was really irritated and grouchy and kind of walking fast and angrily in front of the family.  And then G runs up to me and takes my hand…

G:  Mom, are you sad because you’re the only vagina? 

I cracked a smile at that unexpected question.

G:  I mean, if you look at our family there are 5 penises.  Well 6 if you count Decker’s (our dog).  6 penises and 1 vagina.  I’d be sad if I was the only vagina.  Actually you’re the only boobs too.  Wow, that’s sad.  
Me:  I don’t think I’m sad because I’m the only vagina and boobs.  But maybe I am because I was being grouchy at all the chaos and noise you boys (daddy included) make.  Thanks for noticing my sadness, G.  I love you.

Less than 12 hours later, I started my period.  That sent me in to a fit of laughter.  The accuracy of being the sad vagina in the family.


P:  Mom, no offense but your tummy is kind of fat.  
Me:  Oh, P, that hurt my feelings a little bit.  

P reaches over and gives me a big hug and his I’m sorry eyes.

P:  Well, maybe not fat.  It just looks like you’re growing another baby.


This is the boys’ favorite joke right now.  Enjoy.

After I say my line you say Ketchup and Rubber Buns.

Me:  What did you eat for breakfast?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.
Me:  What did you eat for lunch?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.
Me:  What did you eat for dinner?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.
Me:  What do you do when an old lady passes you on the street?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.  

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20 Indications You’ve Left Portland for Tucson

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* I spent a few weeks in my hometown of Tucson this summer and it was the first time I felt real culture shock traveling back. I compiled a list of things I noticed while in Tucson that made me homesick for Portland. Don’t get me wrong, Tucson has its own value…saguaros, monsoons, mountains, family, a sky full of stars, wildlife, etc.  And, obviously, this does not mean ALL Tucsonans (or Portlanders) fit in to these categories.  

1)  When you cross the street in a designated crosswalk that does not guarantee that anybody will stop for you. In fact                  you’ll stand in the middle of that busy street patiently waiting for a single driver to even acknowledge your existence                with a slight press of the brake pedal. They never will. You’ll just have to wait for an opening and run.

2)  It’s trash day and Tucsonans have trash cans at least double the size of Portlanders and their trash gets picked up       weekly. Add to that, many people have two trash cans, quadrupling the size of trash that gets removed from your house every other week. You’ll wonder what in the world are they filling those gigantic cans with.

Portland trash is the middle canister (picked up every other week)

Portland trash is the middle canister (picked up every other week)

3)  If your 8 year old boy decides to wear his hot pink shirt to Target you will have two separate Target employees comment on the color of his shirt and the correlation to his purchase (a hello kitty watch and cd player for a bday party). You’ll have to refrain from giving both employees a loud piece of your mind and assure your son that pink is a perfectly awesome color for boys.

4)  There is no friendly conversation between you and any service person (minus one engaging waitress I had). You forget quickly how friendly Portland is compared to other cities. The moment I got back in to town I shopped at New Seasons and came home glowing, “Oh, so many people to talk to in New Seasons. Everyone is so nice!” And they were playing Nahko and Medicine for the People. Grocery shopping doesn’t get any more engaging than it does in Portland.cc-solutions-

5)  You have to pump your own gas in Tucson and you will quickly realize how awesome it is to have pump attendants especially when it’s 100+ degrees out and you have kids in the car.

6)  Everyone comments on your purple hair. In Portland, I’m kind of a plain Jane with my purple hair and tattoos. In Tucson I’m a slight shade of different.IMG_2318

7)  Compost? What’s That? When we lived in Tucson I started a worm compost bin in our kitchen (It Rocked!) and most people thought it was weird if not downright gross. Composting is not something most people in Tucson think about.

8)  Your server looks at you like you’ve lost your mind when you ask if the restaurant is locally owned and god forbid you ask where they get their meat.portlandiapicseasonone9)  Gone are the funky, useful commuter bikes. Instead are designer, carbon racing bikes. A few grand on two wheels.  I’m dying for a commuter with a basket and mud guards…my carbon with clips doesn’t have quite the flare or usefulness here in Portland.

10)  Walk there? Public Transportation? Are you insane? Plan on driving EVERYWHERE.ridersboardingmax11)  You begin to miss your group meditation practice so you attend a weekly meditation/yoga class and each week the class only has you and one other person. I guess meditation practices in Tucson are still a private affair.  

12)  Brunch is an after church Sunday event only.

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13)  Plastic bags are doubled up and handed out in abundance.

14)  There is an obvious distinction between rich/poor. There are wealthy areas and there are poor areas. And the division between the two is very obvious.images15)  Need wheat berries for a recipe? Good luck with that. A wheat berry is not only unheard of but it’s really challenging to find. In fact, I never found a single one!

16)  Mini coopers are swallowed up by Ford F-ton 50s. I don’t even know the name of these super beasts but they far outnumber any electric or mini vehicles. The name of the game is, the bigger the better. In addition to in-your-face monster trucks, truck after truck is adorned with NRA bumper stickers. Just in case you weren’t aware, the environmental super polluters will also shoot you because they have the right to do so.BumperStickers

17)  After being in Portland for a time, you forget how many people drive fast and loud and that the government monitors most of it with red light cameras and speed cameras. People honk their horns for the slightest infraction, give you the finger for getting in their way, and cut you off just to be an asshole. I’ll take my 30mph streets in Portland any day.

18)  You may not know what you need to purchase or who you need to vote for but somebody certainly does. You can get your answer every so many feet with election propaganda and consumer billboards.

speedway blvd 1970

speedway blvd 1970

19)  Front yard chickens, gardens, and greenery are traded in for desert brown and poisonous animals. Not to mention that Tucsonans will water a grass lawn in spite of not having a drinking water supply of their own.

20)  Need a pharmacy? Just drive to the next corner and the next and the next and the next….download (1)

10 Reasons Having Four Boys Is Just Plain Crazy

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*Now that summer is in full swing and I’ve had loads of time to be with the boys, it seemed fitting to repost this entry. Enjoy!!!

ThinkingWithVitality

My sister recently sent me a blog post by Ninja Mom (queen of funny moms) about why having four kids is a really bad idea.  Go over and check it out, especially if you are even slightly (and insanely)IMG_1127 considering adding a fourth to your brood.  A little dose of reality from someone who has been there, done that seems to separate the smart ones from the dumb ones.  I’m one of the dumb ones! But I’m here to save you from the same lot in life that I have chosen.  I’m here to warn you why you should not only avoid (if you have the option) having four children but having four children of the male variety.

I’m not quite certain whose bright idea it was to have four kids.  Certainly we must’ve been drunk.  And I sure as hell don’t know why the gender selector of the…

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He Said What?!?

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The boys and I are visiting Tucson.  It’s the first time they’ve been back here since we moved almost 2 years ago.  Needless to say, there have been lots of conversations and these are some of the more humorous ones.

As the plane was landing in Tucson, I could hear people laughing in the row in front of two of my boys so I tuned in to what my boys were saying to cause this laughter.

S (age 8):  Ewwwww….Tucson is so ugly.  It’s just brown.  
G (age 7):  It is ugly.  Yuck.  I don’t remember it being so ugly.
S:  Yeah, why does any one want to live in a land full of this much dirt.  Tucson is a dirt city.
G:  And, it looks like it is hot.  Brown hotness.  Yuck

 

On the car ride from the airport to Grandma’s house:

J (age 11):  Can you take us to see our first home?
P (age 8):  I’m pretty sure I’m looking at my first home.  I’m pretty sure my first home was Mama.  

 

Heard in the back row as I was driving:

G’ma:  When I’m old I might do that.
S: But you’re already old!

 

The boys and I were watching Ace Ventura when a sex scene came on the screen:

Boys:  What are they doing?
Me:  They’re having sex.
Boys:  Really?!!!?  
Tons of giggles and yucks
G (age 7): G stands up frustrated, pulls down his pants and points to his erect penis:
This is what  happens to me every time someone talks about sex or I see it!  
Me:  That’s normal, G, and it’ll probably happen for the rest of your life.  
G:  Grunts and goes back to watching the movie.  

My youngest has an issue with dogs wanting to dominate him.  He makes friends with dogs and then suddenly they are humping him.  Some are even aggressive and pull him down to the ground from a standing position.  I swear he must have some canine pheromones running through his system or something.  As usual, G made friends with my brother’s dog and a few days later she was constantly harassing him by humping him.

G:  Mocha, you want to have sex with me so bad.  (With sad resignation in his voice) Fine, I’ll just have sex with you.  

 

He Said What?!?

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Watching Frozen in the movie theater and the scene when Anna completely freezes…

G:  Wow!  What a beautiful ice sculpture!

*Seeing as he completely missed the point, all the laughing people around us turned to see the little boy who was in full admiration of a frozen Anna sculpture.  So cute.

 

G:  Mom, I have a secret that I want to share with you.

Me:  I can’t wait to hear it.  

G:  I like a girl at school.  Like I have a crush on her.  

Me:  Oh, yeah.  Do you want to share who has your interest?  

G:  Her name is X.  Man, I really like her.  

Me:  What is it that makes her special and makes you like her more than other girls?

G:  You know, it’s because we like all the same things.  She likes to sing.  I like to sing.  She likes to draw.  I like to draw.  

Me:  That makes sense.  I’m glad you have a friend and that she happens to be a girl.

G:  Let’s just keep it a secret though.  Okay?  

Me:  Can I just tell Dad?  

G:  As long as he promises never to talk to me about it.

Me:  Okay.  I’ll only tell him if he promises.  Thanks for sharing with me, G.

G:  Can I give you a hug, Mom?

Me:  That sounds perfect.

 

I like to tease my sister about her lack of geographical knowledge.  We were once in NYC taking a bus tour and she turned to ask me when we were going to see the Eiffel Tower!  Here’s her latest one that cracked me up…

S:  Her teeth looked like…ummmm….what do they call those things?  The Stones of Hedgehog?

Me:  You mean Stonehenge?

S:  Yes.  Stonehenge.  

*Facepalm

 

*J just turned 11 and came home from school vomiting on his birthday.

Me:  I’m so sorry you feel so bad.  This must be a pretty bad birthday.

J:  It’s not the worst.  I have shelter and two loving parents.

Me:  Wow!  I love your perspective on life, J.  You’re beautiful.

 

Another frank conversation with G….

G:  Mom, do girls poop?

Me:  For sure.  Girls totally poop.

G:  Are you sure?

Me:  Absolutely sure.

G:  You’re a girl and I’ve never seen you poop so I’m not so sure girls poop.

Me:  Would you like proof?

G:  Yes.  Could you just show me next time you poop.

Me:  You’ll be the first person I tell next time I poop.  I’ll give you proof that girls do indeed poop.

G:  Deal.  Let’s shake.