Nature has a way of providing me a deep stillness that allows me to know myself. The self that is often lost in chaos. In nature I am able to reach meditative states in which there is no question as to the next step. Nature continues to be my healer.
I have a daily meditation practice and that practice provides me a way to remain centered, calm, and non-reactive but it has yet to allow me to hear the answers of my heart. When my heart (self) is screaming I can sometimes hear it but not yet trust it. Most days the heart is lost behind emotions, overthinking, processing, fear. With daily meditation I manage to break open a little space so the heart is not so tightly caged. Imprisoned.
And then there are meditations that are unlike all the others. Last week I experienced one similar to the last mediation I had in nature on March 14th. March 14th was the first time I experienced a true awakening. A full peace and knowing. Nothing but space. There is no way to explain this feeling unless one has experienced it and to experience it again was truly a gift. I immediately journaled after and wanted to share the gift given to me.
May 24, 2014:
Today I woke up after spending the night in a small, rocky crevice in a sleeping bag next to my lover under a sky fully lit by countless stars. The past above us. The now grounded with us. The future yet to come. I stepped to the edge of the rocky precipice where we had slept and silently observed the forward movement of time. The stars no longer visible but still there. Outshone by our star. Our life source….the Sun. I sat across from magnificent rock cliffs and watched as hawks would land on ledges hundreds and hundreds of feet above the ground. I would lose sight of them and not be able to find them until they once again took flight. Had I not seen them land I would have no awareness that life was happening right in front of me. At my feet sat a busy little chipmunk and two large prairie dogs. The prairie dogs as curious about me as I was them. A baby bunny, chased by its mother, scurried by. In the river below me, geese lazily rode the current downstream, fish occasionally took exuberant jumps above the water to catch a small glimpse of the world above, a river otter playfully swam between rocks and deer gracefully walked across the river, the sounds of their crossing carried on the breeze to my ears. Birds, all types of gorgeous birds, fluttered by while serenading me in song. Dazzling me with their colorful wings. High above the river in a towering pine sat an eagle family. A mama. A papa. And two eaglets. Each one powerful and majestic. One parent would take flight soaring higher and higher. A few minutes later the other eagle would call out in a high pitch tone signaling the time to return. Immediately upon return the other eagle would take flight. Back and forth this sharing of responsibility and freedom. The eaglets expanding and stretching their newborn wings. Reaching them toward the warmth of the morning sun from the comfort of their nest. Their home.
I closed my eyes and dropped in. I dropped in so deeply, the space becomes me. I become the space. I breathe in and there is nothing but room. My heart is not screaming. It’s whispering. It tells me it’s been whispering all along. I have been too full of chatter, noise, and opposition to hear it. It says to me,
Now is the time. Listen and know thyself.
I literally started chuckling that my heart used the words “know thyself”. I questioned why it would speak to me in some KJV of my childhood. A momentary distraction.
I breathe in.
I breathe out.
It’s time, Amy. It’s time to let go. Time to stop fighting. Time to take the next step forward. Only you need to understand why you are choosing to leap. Only you. As scary as it is to jump from that cliff, you have heard me and know leaping is your highest self.
Ahhhhhhhhh. I know this to be Truth. A release of tears. No more tension. Only space.
If I crash and burn on this leap, I will burn knowing that I took the risk and my heart and I, we know how to heal.
Running to the Cliff’s Edge
Spreading my Wings
Soaring like the Mighty Eagle Before Me
The Wind that Carries Me
I have Listened
I am Free