I had big hiccups which led to this conversation:
P: Hiccups probably hurt your breasts, Mom. I’m sorry that hurts.
Me: Thanks for being empathetic but actually hiccups hurt on the inside. Kind of like when you pass gas, it doesn’t hurt your penis because your penis is on the outside and gas is on the inside. But if somebody would hit you in your private area that would hurt.
P: Oh yeah, that makes sense. So hiccups hurt inside but if I punched your breasts it’d hurt outside.
Me: Yep. Exactly.
P: So really your breasts are like 2 fat penises with nipples.
Me: Ummm, that’s one way to look at them, P.
G and P were talking about a kid at school. They were talking in quiet voices and putting dramatic emphasis on words, like this is the most scandalous thing that’s ever happened in their circle…
G: X is not a very nice kid. The other day he did the middle finger word. Only he didn’t put up his middle finger. He actually said the word.
P: OMG! That’s like all the bad words wrapped in to one word!
G: I know. He totally said it. That’s why he’s not a nice kid.
P: Yep. That middle finger word is a big one.
Me: Remember, just because he used an inappropriate word does not mean he’s a bad kid.
G: You’re right, Mom. He just made a bad choice.
P: Yeah, we all make bad choices sometimes. Remember when I screamed at you? That doesn’t make me bad.
This one is for Grandma and why she won’t buy pots and pans from Goodwill…
Me: Hey, S, what’d you do with the pot you were throwing up in last night?
S: Oh, it was all clean after dad poured out my vomit so I put it away with all the other pots.
Me: Wow! Thanks for being so responsible!
I quickly made my way to the kitchen to remove all the pots within its vicinity and ran them through a super hot cycle.
On the same night of vomiting….
Bawling and doubled over in pain for a few hours,
S: Mom, it hurts so bad. I just can’t take it any more. All I can think about is the ‘F’ word and how bad I want to say it.
Me: Now would be an appropriate time to say it.
S: I won’t get in trouble if I just say it once? I think it might help get it out of my head.
Me: If you feel you need to say it. I’ll understand.
S: (In a teeny, tiny voice full of pain) Fuck.
S: My tummy doesn’t feel better but getting it out of my head does.
Me: I’m glad it helped at least a little bit. Thank you for saving that word for appropriate times. I hope your tummy feels better soon.
Last year a fellow classmate of J was really being quite a bully to him. He told us over the summer that she had been calling him flat face and telling him that it’s so obvious that he’s adopted because he doesn’t look like anybody in his family. “There’s no other flat faces in your family.” So one day while we driving and talking about this I encouraged him to come up with some witty replies in case she decided to say it again. It’s amazing how much we laughed and how empowered he felt after just knowing he was allowed to stand up for himself. This year we’ve had zero problems with the same girl. Here are a few of his favorite comebacks….
Yeah, I totally need to stop running in to that pole every morning.
Isn’t my flat face awesome?!? I get to have a 3D nose.
People once thought the earth was flat too. Boy did they get it wrong!
If this is what you consider flat, you need to pay closer attention in geometry class!