A good friend of mine was having his first child…a girl.
We sat around one evening talking about what to expect, first time parent worries, and eventually the talk turned to penises. You know, because every talk turns to penises. At least in my life it seems to.
He informed me that I was so lucky to have boys. The conversation went a little something like this…
T: You’re so lucky you have boys.
Me: You think? I think you’re lucky that you get to have a girl. Well you’re lucky until teenage years. I seriously wouldn’t want to deal with that drama (not realizing that ten year old boys have drama too!).
T: Yeah, but see when V gets to be a teenager I have to worry about every penis. Every. Single. One. You only have to worry about 4 penises.
Me: Whoah! I’ve seriously never thought about that. I am SO lucky I have boys. Four penises. That’s it. You’ve got like a million to stress about! Dude, that totally sucks for you!
T: See, told you. Lucky.
It took me about one week of living with his truth before I realized just how wrong he was. Before I realized just how fucked I am for having four boys!
Here’s the reality. It only takes one penis to put his daughter out of commission for 9 months. For 9 months straight he has peace from penis worry. Whereas the penises of my four boys can impregnate a lot of teenage girls!
Let me break it down for you, worst case or bad case scenario style:
Let’s say my boys are sexually active from the ages of 15 to 19. That’s 5 sexually active years. And let’s say that they somehow are able to get laid at least once a week and for some reason choose to never use protection (you know because “she said she was on the pill, mom”).Then let’s say that they are capable of impregnating one fertile girl a week each. That’s 52 girls a year per child making 208 pregnant girls by my boys in one year. Multiply that times five years and my damn boys and their damn penises have impregnated over 1000 girls (1,040 to be exact)!
Yeah, T, you want to play this game?!? My four penises totally schooled your one vagina theory!
It’s a good thing my boys are never getting laid and they will never learn the art of the game. That is the lie I am selling myself after running these numbers! Otherwise I might just go insane.
Stay awkward, stay hairy, and may you develop lots and lots of teenage acne, boys. Mama loves you.