Growing Pains

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This year has resulted in so much change both internally and externally.  And with change there often comes pain.
Today I sit in a pain that is so deep, so real, so intense that it is nearly paralyzing.
I have ridden the ebbs and flows of pain and growth anxiously awaiting that moment when my life will feel it has returned to a steady pattern of “normal”.  That moment when all feels right with the world.  But unfortunately my life does not consist of just me.  Therefore there are external forces (people) who are capable of inflicting pain upon me.  Because we are all individuals I cannot control or even expect that a person will respect me more than their desires.  And, sadly, desires are often selfish.  Selfish often leads to a loss of empathy for others.  And a lack of  empathy leads to seeking whatever means necessary to validate our selfishness.  And that validation becomes justification which then results in hurting those whom you’ve had to dismiss to reach your peak of serving self.
So while I can’t change the pain that is eating away at my internal self or change the external source(s) of that pain, I can change my reaction to that pain.  I’m afraid, deathly deathly afraid, that the way to change my reaction to the pain is only to experience more pain but then hopefully there will be an eventual peace/growth/and resolution at the end of that cycle of pain.  But I must risk and I must remain true to my convictions.  These people may be able to hurt me but they cannot rob me of my integrity.  And so far I am sitting very snug in my integrity.  It has remained steady and true.  And they cannot rob me of my willingness to grow.   Grow I will.  At all costs.
Sadly, that means I have to let some of these painful relationships go.
It means that other relationships will need to be beaten and battered until we can agree to meet on the other side of the pain.
It means I will have to set new boundaries and adhere to them regardless of what those boundaries will cost me.
It means that I will have to trust that others will not continue to abandon me even when that trust has been abused.
It means that I fully need to understand that I cannot make someone love me.
It means that I will have to latch on for dear life and remember that the only person who I have control over is me.
And I am telling myself,
“I am Here”  “I am Here”  “I am not leaving”

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About ThinkingWithVitality

Wife, Mama, Certified Wellness Life Coach, Certified Vet Tech, adoption and special needs advocate, adventure seeker, wannabe vegetarian, freethinker, knowledge hunter, secular humanist. Love writing, distance running, cycling, hiking, photography, nature, essential oils, natural medicine, traveling, RVs and tents, reading, adventures, organizing, authentic living, good beer, acoustic music and happy to have landed in Costa Rica for this moment in time.

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